It wasn’t the way I had imagined it. Not at all.
I thought when I got to the place I was heading, I would finally feel relief and joy – the ever anticipated exhale that one gets when they finally cross that finish line and can stop running and take some deep breaths.
Not me. I felt none of that.
I felt nothing really. Other than tired, exhausted, and uninterested in just about everything I had built and created over the last decade of my life.
Finding Myself Lost in the “Next Right Thing”
I had just published my first book, Ending the Diet Mindset, which had been a lifelong dream of mine. The written word, and language itself, had always captured my heart and created a sense of connection to the world around me. I just knew I wanted to write– about something, anything really. I had created a successful career, and learned a tremendous amount about a subject near and dear to my heart, and so I poured it out into a book in hopes that it could be something in the world that could help make an impact. I completed a personal goal. Check.
So here I was, at the finish line of a very personal and professional goal, and nothing felt the way it was supposed to. Dammit. To say I was pissed about this is a massive understatement.
I had done everything “right”, according to my long list of “shoulds” about the way my life was going to unfold. I colored within the lines (well, for the most part) and checked off the boxes given to me by my culture. I literally completed the to-do list.
I was a good girl, well-liked by most. At the minimum, inoffensive and non-controversial.
I was a good citizen, good daughter, good wife. Good friend.
I finished school, got good grades, got a degree, sought out a profession that both rewarded me and gave back to the community.
I was always doing the next “right thing” (which, interestingly enough, is a saying I used to hear when working in recovery circles. “Just do the next right thing” they would say, and I would nod my head, comforted by the fact that I must be on the right path…right?).
So why, oh why, was I feeling so lost when I followed all of the instructions?
I was left grappling with some big questions.
• Who am I if I am not pursuing the next goal?
• Who am I if I am not working on improving some part of my life – even if that’s just to get to the next level or advance to the next tier?
• Who am I if I am not in constant forward motion, moving towards something new?
• What am I if I am just existing with no real focus or desire, purpose or plan?
My lifelong friend who has known me since I was 13 once said, “Becca, you always have a new project. As soon as you finish you move on to the next one”.
So – who is Becca if Becca doesn’t have a project? The only thing I was interested in moving onto was a nap.
The Way Back to My Being
This was new territory, terrifying and chalk full of doubt.
Which led me to pausing. Which led me to looking at myself, with curiosity and questions. Which inevitably led me back into therapy (yes, of course therapists go to therapy!). Which led me to realize that my relationship with doing would never change if I didn’t change my relationship with being. (Read: Restoring Balance of Our Yin and Yang Energies)
And wow – what a ride it has been…
Cultivating a relationship with being led me from a career focused on how we think about our life (traditional psychotherapy) to a career focused on how we are present in our life (somatic psychotherapy).
Cultivating a relationship with being led me to realize I wanted less – much less – of everything but time and space. That led me to move half the year from bustling Atlanta to a small coastal town where no one drives over 35 miles an hour and businesses close on random days of the week… seemingly just because.
Cultivating a relationship with less led me to remember my love for creativity, exploration, and being in nature.
And that is only the tip of the iceberg because I am just getting started. I am honestly still working on the transition, and figuring out what balance looks like for myself.
But had I never been so lost, flung so far from where I wanted to be, I wouldn’t have found myself here, choosing the process of coming back to my being. And I am glad to be here (Note: I am not and never will be claiming this process is easy).
I plan on continuing to be a student of being as long as it takes for my soul to get what it needs. And I don’t know what that is, and I can’t make that happen. I’ll just know I’ve arrived when I feel it. Until then, I just continue to explore and be. One unplanned, unproductive, pointless, non-linear step of the way.
Care to join me? You can follow my journey with being on Instagram (@beccaclegglpc) where I’m doing my part in normalizing our journey of being for all Human Beings:)